That’s what I feel I am going through right now, creatively as well as generally. A rebirth is happening—of the heart, the mind, the body. The changes I’m about to make will be comprehensive. As if my 20s were spent gearing up for the person I am about to become.
Why now? I guess I finally have the confidence in myself. The trust.
In many ways I was born a confident person. Time in this world will chip away at that if you aren’t careful. I wasn’t for the fact that I didn’t know I needed to be. I came into this life very trusting, but without learning proper boundaries, that can translate into a fault. That can translate in an inability, down the line, to trust—in yourself, in others, in something bigger. And trust is the backbone of confidence.
Finally, a month shy of 30, I am slowly learning to trust. First in myself. I feel confident in my style—writing and otherwise—in my core character, in my goals and desires. I am ready to put my all behind them and really manifest my authentic self. I have no more interest in half-assing life. I will be reborn tenacious.
Gestation. It is dark.
But I am learning the importance of valuing—of protecting, even—the darkness that makes way for the light.
“Light is creation. Darkness is the space necessary to create.” ― Erica Jasmin Cartaya
So often we’re sold the illusions of the goal of “constant happiness.” We try to run from our dark things. As if that is possible? It’s definitely not sustainable for very long. I just read an article on how seemingly always-nice people actually suffer the most in the grand scheme of things. And perhaps my biggest overarching goal in life has been to not suffer. I’d rather be real—with all the ups and downs, with all the dark, that “real” entails—than some kind of artificial lighting. Facing your dark, rather than always running is noble. And rewarding: There is so much beauty born from the shadows. We all know the land will never smell as fresh or look as beautiful without a good rain.
The downpour is now for me.
In the shadows I am birthing new ideas to shine light on when the time comes. And time always, always comes.